My Heart is Heavy...

Why is it that I always find myself writing when I shouldn't be, but unable to find the words when I should be…

I’m sitting here staring blankly at my computer screen, desperately trying to make it through another homework assignment…they seem so impossible these days. I find myself longing for someone to talk to, someone to vent all my frustration and pain and heartache to…but I can’t bring myself down long enough to do so. I received some really really hard news today, but that seems to be the normal lately, and quite honestly, I’m getting worn out.

Somedays, it's really easy to wake up and see all the beauty and absolute JOY that God has layered his beautiful creation with. Other days? I wanna crawl back into bed and just lay there. I like to think. I also like to walk. But because of the overall "wonderful" weather we've had, I haven't got to do that and it sucks. Isn't that weird? Something little like, "I didn't get to go on a walk today" can make or break my day.

I prayed a lot today. I've prayed for strength and healing...and endurance. I'm supposed to be writing a really long poem about history, but the words won't come to me. My mind is absolutely blank when I try and think, but here I am, pouring my heart out with no problem. My mind is a strange little thing. 

Something that is really hard for me to say: I need help. 

I hate it, as a matter of fact. The way my brain has been wired is weird, but basically I automatically connect neediness with weakness. I will run myself to the bone, pushing and fighting but I won't ask for help because I don't want people to think I'm weak..."I can do it." Not for other people though! If someone tells me they need help, I'm crazy impressed because they're strong enough to ask for help. But for me? Neediness=weakness. So does breaking down and needing help mean you're weak?

No it doesn't. I like to think of it in a super oxymoron way...weakness can mean strength. Out of weakness can rise some of the strongest people. So that's what I'm desperately trying to do. I'm trying to rise out of this, and be stronger. I'm trying to beat this so I can look back and say, "Life gave me lemons and I threw them away cuz umms I don't like sour stuff haha." I'm gonna win. I don't know if it'll be tomorrow or even this week, but I'm gonna win. 

This is probably going to be me for the next hour or so....

but just giving up?

So I'mma grab a Redbull and [hopefully] get through this!! WOO!! 

Goodnight everyone :)

-Meee