My Heart is Heavy...

Why is it that I always find myself writing when I shouldn't be, but unable to find the words when I should be…

I’m sitting here staring blankly at my computer screen, desperately trying to make it through another homework assignment…they seem so impossible these days. I find myself longing for someone to talk to, someone to vent all my frustration and pain and heartache to…but I can’t bring myself down long enough to do so. I received some really really hard news today, but that seems to be the normal lately, and quite honestly, I’m getting worn out.

Somedays, it's really easy to wake up and see all the beauty and absolute JOY that God has layered his beautiful creation with. Other days? I wanna crawl back into bed and just lay there. I like to think. I also like to walk. But because of the overall "wonderful" weather we've had, I haven't got to do that and it sucks. Isn't that weird? Something little like, "I didn't get to go on a walk today" can make or break my day.

I prayed a lot today. I've prayed for strength and healing...and endurance. I'm supposed to be writing a really long poem about history, but the words won't come to me. My mind is absolutely blank when I try and think, but here I am, pouring my heart out with no problem. My mind is a strange little thing. 

Something that is really hard for me to say: I need help. 

I hate it, as a matter of fact. The way my brain has been wired is weird, but basically I automatically connect neediness with weakness. I will run myself to the bone, pushing and fighting but I won't ask for help because I don't want people to think I'm weak..."I can do it." Not for other people though! If someone tells me they need help, I'm crazy impressed because they're strong enough to ask for help. But for me? Neediness=weakness. So does breaking down and needing help mean you're weak?

No it doesn't. I like to think of it in a super oxymoron way...weakness can mean strength. Out of weakness can rise some of the strongest people. So that's what I'm desperately trying to do. I'm trying to rise out of this, and be stronger. I'm trying to beat this so I can look back and say, "Life gave me lemons and I threw them away cuz umms I don't like sour stuff haha." I'm gonna win. I don't know if it'll be tomorrow or even this week, but I'm gonna win. 

This is probably going to be me for the next hour or so....

but just giving up?

So I'mma grab a Redbull and [hopefully] get through this!! WOO!! 

Goodnight everyone :)

-Meee

One Chance...

I'm not naturally a good writer...I can't do punctuation to save my life and I can hardly speak English so that can be a problem on occasion ;) But writing makes me feel better, so I'm gonna keep doing it. Good? SWEET OK.

     I'm a pretty blunt person, so my writing is going to be straight up honesty...if you don't like that, I apologize, but I had a really good friend tell me recently like 100 times that I shouldn't care what people think...so I'm trying, and I'm working at doing things my way and being okay with that.

Guys...it's so hard. 

Why? Because that's not how I work...I have to try at this and fight for this. I'm the kind of girl that will sit at her computer for 3 hours straight after posting something somewhere, freaking out because I think people are taking time out of their days to hate on me and criticize everything I'm doing. I'm major paranoid! My head is completely zoned in on what people say/think/believe about me, and I'm constantly changing what I do, when I do it, how I do it, IF I do it...because everyone is asking something different of me.

At this point you're probably pointing out the fact that "Liz has identity issues that she needs to solve quickly because she can't please everyone at once! She needs to be herself because the people that matter will love her for her." 

You're right. The people that matter will love me for me. That's something I have to tell myself on a daily basis. I have to look in the mirror and say, "Be yourself...it's okay, God will send you the people he wants in your life. Have a little Faith."

And you know...he has sent some pretty amaZing people my way.

and these are only a few of my many blessings <3

 Something I've figured out, is that I frequently need to be big daddy V slapped in the face by perspective. There are some trials in my life, things that I struggle with on a daily basis that I need help with because I'm weak and I can't do it by myself, but there are other things that (with a little change of perspective) can be changed and made new, by taking a step! It all starts with a choice...not an easy one...probably one that freaking sucks on occasion...but a choice. Sometimes, it can be choosing to smiLe instead of frown, choosing to eat instead of counting those calories, choosing to put down that blade and make a difference in someone's life. Choosing to make the most out of everyday, because you really don't know what day will be your last. 

Don't get me wrong though...when you read that ^^^ it makes it sound like you just wake up and choose to be happy. Sometimes, it's not that easy, believe me I know. Sometimes, life knocks you down SO HARD, and continues to beat you senseless while you're just lying there on the ground, too numb to even care. When that happens, I've got one thing to say.

Fight back.

Seriously. Show life that no matter what, you're gonna win. It hurts to breathe sometimes, it feels like if you take one more step, you're gonna fall down and not get back up. Get back up though. Stand through it, fight through it and....

Why? Because I know you can. You're stronger than you think.

And because it's so worth it.

So do things that make you happy, with people that push you to live life to the fullest and be the best you that you can possibly be.

-Meee