TRY.

Sometimes I don't want to try. Sometimes, I want to sit down and just STOP. Am I doing this all for attention? Nope. Is it unnecessary? Probably. But it's my life right now.

That's good enough.

My Heart is Heavy...

Why is it that I always find myself writing when I shouldn't be, but unable to find the words when I should be…

I’m sitting here staring blankly at my computer screen, desperately trying to make it through another homework assignment…they seem so impossible these days. I find myself longing for someone to talk to, someone to vent all my frustration and pain and heartache to…but I can’t bring myself down long enough to do so. I received some really really hard news today, but that seems to be the normal lately, and quite honestly, I’m getting worn out.

Somedays, it's really easy to wake up and see all the beauty and absolute JOY that God has layered his beautiful creation with. Other days? I wanna crawl back into bed and just lay there. I like to think. I also like to walk. But because of the overall "wonderful" weather we've had, I haven't got to do that and it sucks. Isn't that weird? Something little like, "I didn't get to go on a walk today" can make or break my day.

I prayed a lot today. I've prayed for strength and healing...and endurance. I'm supposed to be writing a really long poem about history, but the words won't come to me. My mind is absolutely blank when I try and think, but here I am, pouring my heart out with no problem. My mind is a strange little thing. 

Something that is really hard for me to say: I need help. 

I hate it, as a matter of fact. The way my brain has been wired is weird, but basically I automatically connect neediness with weakness. I will run myself to the bone, pushing and fighting but I won't ask for help because I don't want people to think I'm weak..."I can do it." Not for other people though! If someone tells me they need help, I'm crazy impressed because they're strong enough to ask for help. But for me? Neediness=weakness. So does breaking down and needing help mean you're weak?

No it doesn't. I like to think of it in a super oxymoron way...weakness can mean strength. Out of weakness can rise some of the strongest people. So that's what I'm desperately trying to do. I'm trying to rise out of this, and be stronger. I'm trying to beat this so I can look back and say, "Life gave me lemons and I threw them away cuz umms I don't like sour stuff haha." I'm gonna win. I don't know if it'll be tomorrow or even this week, but I'm gonna win. 

This is probably going to be me for the next hour or so....

but just giving up?

So I'mma grab a Redbull and [hopefully] get through this!! WOO!! 

Goodnight everyone :)

-Meee

One Chance...

I'm not naturally a good writer...I can't do punctuation to save my life and I can hardly speak English so that can be a problem on occasion ;) But writing makes me feel better, so I'm gonna keep doing it. Good? SWEET OK.

     I'm a pretty blunt person, so my writing is going to be straight up honesty...if you don't like that, I apologize, but I had a really good friend tell me recently like 100 times that I shouldn't care what people think...so I'm trying, and I'm working at doing things my way and being okay with that.

Guys...it's so hard. 

Why? Because that's not how I work...I have to try at this and fight for this. I'm the kind of girl that will sit at her computer for 3 hours straight after posting something somewhere, freaking out because I think people are taking time out of their days to hate on me and criticize everything I'm doing. I'm major paranoid! My head is completely zoned in on what people say/think/believe about me, and I'm constantly changing what I do, when I do it, how I do it, IF I do it...because everyone is asking something different of me.

At this point you're probably pointing out the fact that "Liz has identity issues that she needs to solve quickly because she can't please everyone at once! She needs to be herself because the people that matter will love her for her." 

You're right. The people that matter will love me for me. That's something I have to tell myself on a daily basis. I have to look in the mirror and say, "Be yourself...it's okay, God will send you the people he wants in your life. Have a little Faith."

And you know...he has sent some pretty amaZing people my way.

and these are only a few of my many blessings <3

 Something I've figured out, is that I frequently need to be big daddy V slapped in the face by perspective. There are some trials in my life, things that I struggle with on a daily basis that I need help with because I'm weak and I can't do it by myself, but there are other things that (with a little change of perspective) can be changed and made new, by taking a step! It all starts with a choice...not an easy one...probably one that freaking sucks on occasion...but a choice. Sometimes, it can be choosing to smiLe instead of frown, choosing to eat instead of counting those calories, choosing to put down that blade and make a difference in someone's life. Choosing to make the most out of everyday, because you really don't know what day will be your last. 

Don't get me wrong though...when you read that ^^^ it makes it sound like you just wake up and choose to be happy. Sometimes, it's not that easy, believe me I know. Sometimes, life knocks you down SO HARD, and continues to beat you senseless while you're just lying there on the ground, too numb to even care. When that happens, I've got one thing to say.

Fight back.

Seriously. Show life that no matter what, you're gonna win. It hurts to breathe sometimes, it feels like if you take one more step, you're gonna fall down and not get back up. Get back up though. Stand through it, fight through it and....

Why? Because I know you can. You're stronger than you think.

And because it's so worth it.

So do things that make you happy, with people that push you to live life to the fullest and be the best you that you can possibly be.

-Meee

Life + The Right Perspective = Beauty

Some days, I am filled with so much unexplained joy and smiles! Other days? Not so much. While I was driving with my mom today, I was listening to one of my all-time favorite songs, “Life is Beautiful” by the Afters. Man i LOVE that song. BUTANYWAY, as I was listening to it, I thought what I think almost every time I listen to it! And that’s, “You know, life really is beautiful.”

“Living and dying, laughing or crying
If we have the whole world or have nothing
I know there are long nights, but we’ll make it
with every sunrise comes a new light
And all of the things that us feel like we have it all
All of the times that make us realize
we have it all (x2)
Life is Beautiful
Life is Beautiful
Life is Beautiful”

I love that song! How many times in life do we walk around grabb--…no clinging to the things that make us feel like…that make us think that we have it all. I know I do.

“If there was less work and more fun,
I would never EVER feel undone!
If I had more friends and less regrets,
If I had more faith & didn’t fret.
More things, more things, my heart yearns for more!
If I could be the person that everyone adores..
Life COULD be beautiful.”

All of my sentences start & end with “If and me.” IF I HAD MORE…IF I WAS MORE POPULAR. If I had more things, if I could be more things…life could be worth it…life could be precious…life COULD be beautiful. However is that truly the way we’re--no…I am…is that truly the way I am supposed to be living? I sit around thinking about something amazing I could do, something hilarious I could say…something I can do to bring myself more glory, where instead I’m supposed to daily be concentrated on how to bring HIM more glory. I don’t think about, “if people look at me do they see Jesus?” Instead, I think about people looking at me with admiration and praise, I think about earning adoration and approval. Now if you’re someone that yearns for praise like I do…*PHEW* good to know that there’s other human like me, that it’s normal for man to have an unquenchable desire for applause. But also know that there is hope. Turn those dreadfully fierce desires of praise for yourself into fierce desires of praise for HIM. Try it! You might surprise yourself ;)

“People were created to be loved.

Things were created to be used.

The reason the world is in chaos,

Is because things are being loved,

And people are being used.”

I remember one time talking to my mom about sunsets. I was telling her how a lot of people enjoy waking up early to see God’s beautiful fingerprints painted across the sky early in the morning…notice I said early twice…cuz its seriously freaking EARLY you have to get up to see ‘em. Because I’m not a morning person…losing two hours of sleep over something I can just as easily see on Facebook isn’t worth it! However, for some people, sunsets are one of the things that remind them Life is Beautiful. Getting up early, and being reminded of the beauty of this life is worth losing sleep over (I would just like to say kudos to those people and thank you for the pictures of the sunsets! Keep ‘em coming! Haha!)

I don’t really know exactly what I’m trying to say in all of this! I jumped around a lot but I guess if I have to summarize everything, it all comes down to one thing…

“Life is FULL of BEAUTY

Notice it.”